What She Wanted
by Irlanda Anima
Summary: She wasn’t Elizabeth, not his Elizabeth, and then she’d delivered the knife to his heart with just a few simple words.


**Author:** Irlanda Anima  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Atlantis or any of the characters and storylines. I am simply using them as a creative outlet and for entertainment purposes.  
**Characters/Pairing: **Elizabeth Weir, John Sheppard, and Sheppard/Weir  
**Spoilers:** Adrift, Lifeline and Mortal Coil  
**Summary:** Seeing her again had given him some hope, but now…now he just felt even more lost then before.  
**Warning: **Character Death, Angst**  
Author's Note:** Just recently watch Mortal Coil and this sprang into my head. It's part of a series of short fics I'm working on for this pair, all of which tie into each other and exist in the same universe and timeline. I'll write one with them getting back together if they actually have Elizabeth come back in the series. I do follow most of canon, but some things, such as Sam being in charge are not so in my world. I love Sam to death, but I don't think Atlantis was the place for her. She doesn't seem like Sam, so John in charge of Atlantis in my world. But most other things remain the same. This is my first Atlantis fic so please be kind!

* * *

_She's dead._

That thought kept running like a mantra through his head, numbing him inside as the cool breeze off the sea numbed his skin.

_She's dead. She's dead. _

He'd been holding out hope that they'd find her; that they'd find some shred of evidence or some clue as to where the Replicators were holding her. But that hope was gone now, shattered. It had swelled within him, almost causing him to sob with relief at the sight of her face only to shatter at the words she's spoken. She wasn't Elizabeth, not _his_ Elizabeth, and then she'd delivered the knife to his heart with just a few simple words. Elizabeth Weir you knew is dead, killed after only a few months in the Replicators' captivity

He closed his eyes, his head leaning back against the wall of the city, trying to hold onto the numbness that was currently keeping him sane. With it in place, he didn't have to feel the pain he knew waited for him, didn't have to face the knowledge that he'll never see her again, never see her smile or hear her laugh; never hold her or kiss her; never tell her how much she means to him ever again. Though a part of him didn't want to believe the words he'd been told, he couldn't think of a reason as to why they would have lied to him.

With that knowledge, he could feel himself beginning to shake, his armor beginning to crack and he drew his legs closer to his chest, trying to ward off the enviable. He struggled to hold himself together for just a little while longer. He wasn't ready to break just yet.

He'd seen the sadness and pity in their eyes when the clones had told them the bad news. Not just in the eyes of his team – the only ones left now who knew exactly what they'd meant to each other – but also in the eyes of the clones. In her eyes, which had gazed at him with sorrow, and in his eyes, the exact reflection of his own showing complete understanding of the pain he felt. He'd barely been able to stand it, but he'd donned his armor, heavier then before, and pushed on. He couldn't let himself break in front of his team, couldn't even allow himself to break once they'd gotten home. Since her capture, he'd been the one in charge of the expedition and that meant that he needed to be the strong one. He was the one everyone depended on, the one they turned to when they had nowhere else to go. Elizabeth used to have that weight on her shoulders, but she'd had him to turn to when things became too much. Him…he didn't have anyone anymore.

The breeze had a calming affect on him, brushing over the backs of his hands from where they hung limply from his knees, twiddling the small box between them. Over and over again he twisted it in his hands, feeling the velvet texture stroke against his palms. He opened his eyes and stared at the little thing, his thumb grazing over the latch.

He could clearly remember the day he'd gotten it, the excitement and nervousness that had coursed through him. He remember wondering if he was doing the right thing; if marriage to Elizabeth was truly what he wanted, seeing how his last marriage had ended up. But then he'd remember her face, her smile, her laugh, and her brilliant green eyes. He'd remember how much he loved her and how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, making her happy and he knew it was the right decision.

But he'd never gotten the chance to ask. He'd had it all planned. Their anniversary had been approaching and he'd planned to ask her then; set up their balcony for a private dinner for two and then take her back to their room where he'd slowly make love to her. Then, in the afterglow, he'd planned to ask her. But then Colonel Ellis had shown up with his plan against the replicators and everything had been put on hold. They attacked first and then the replicators had struck back. It had all happened so suddenly. He could remember the panic that had flooded into his system when they'd finally managed to get the city into space and Rodney had requested medical personally to the control room.

He'd never been so scared in his life as the moment when he entered the room to find Elizabeth being loaded onto that gurney. He'd wanted nothing more then to follow Keller and her team to the infirmary and stay with her, but with Elizabeth out, that put him in charge and the city needed him. The next few hours had been so hectic that he was losing her even before he'd fully been able to process what had been happening. And then when Rodney had outlined their plan for saving her, even though his heart demanded that he allow them to try, not only could he not take that risk, but he wouldn't subject Elizabeth to that again. He clearly remembered the many nights he spent cradling her in his arms as she cried and shook, too frightened to fall asleep for fear that she'd be back in that world again. He would never put her through that.

But they'd disobeyed him and even though it had given him a few more precious hours with her, he wished they hadn't. Now knowing exactly what those few hours had cost her, the months spent being tortured for information and tormented before eventually being killed before they even had a chance too…

John squeezed his eyes shut, raising his hands to push against his forehead, the box clutched tightly between them to the point where it almost hurt. He just couldn't keep it at bay anymore and he felt his armor shatter, the numbness dissipating and the pain came crashing in on him. He felt like he was being suffocated and he breathed in deeply to try and relieve the pressure only to have his whole body shake with the sobs that escaped, tears beginning to slide down his cheeks.

He'd never allowed himself to mourn her before, always holding onto the notion that they'd find her. This separation was only temporary and he had to remain strong for the day when they'd bring her home. He'd been under no illusions that she'd come out of her captivity as she'd been before and so he knew that she'd need him to help her get over whatever it was the replicators would have done. But to know that she was never coming home…

He felt the hatred well up within him, making him want to lash out at anything he could get his hands on, preferably those fucking replicators that had taken her away from him. He'd like to wipe them off the face of the universe for what they'd done to her, for what they'd taken from him and for what they continued to do to millions of lives; for all the dreams that they'd destroyed.

He lowered his hands and stared at the box again, breathing heavily and his face scrunched with the pain and anger he was so desperately trying to push away, especially knowing that he'd never get a chance to ask her now. He knew Elizabeth and he knew that she wouldn't want him doing this to himself, wouldn't want him to tear himself apart over her when the city so desperately needed him. He wanted to be strong for her, knowing it would be what she'd want, but it was just so hard when the only thing he had left to hold on to was her memory.

"Colonel Sheppard, this is McKay. Come in," the radio crackled to life in his ear, startling him slightly. He thought he'd taken it off when he'd come out here.

Sighing deeply, John wiped the remains of his tears from his face and cleared his throat, reaching up to click on his radio. "This is Sheppard. Go ahead, Rodney." He was relieved to note that his voice didn't betray him, staying strong and steady.

"Can you come down to my lab? I think I found something on that Replicator scanner."

John closed his eyes and swallowed heavily. "I'm on my way."

He looked back down at the box in his hands for a moment before pushing himself slowly to his feet. Withdrawing his dog tags from around his neck, he un-did the clasp and the carefully open the box, pulling the small silver ring out. He held it between his fingers for a moment, warming the metal slightly before he slipped it on the chain and re-did the clasp. The ring fell to rest just over his heart and he sighed, clenching it in one hand with his eyes closed. He'd keep it there to remind himself of what he fought for. He may have lost someone he loved, but there were many others out there who hadn't and he refused to allow any of them to suffer what he was going through. He'd fight against the Replicators and the Wraith and make sure that no one else would be lost. Too many good people had died already. He refused to allow anymore.

With that thought, he shoved John the lover away and let Lt. Colonel Sheppard take over. The expedition would be looking to him now more the ever and he wouldn't let them down.

Gazing out over the sea, watching the two visible moons glisten in the sky, John made a promise. _I'll never forget, 'Lizabeth. I'll never forget._

And with that, he turned and left the balcony, once again ready to face what lay ahead of him, if only because he knew it'd be what she would have wanted.


End file.
